Hi, I’m Kev_Bot.

GOING WITHOUT KNOWING

My whole life, I’ve felt like my brain has never learned to pull the brakes. It’s always looking for something, anything to fill the void that is my insatiable desire to grow, to evolve and adapt to this world that seemed frightening and unforgiving. Growing up, I felt like others took this hunger and used it for their own selfish reasons, to try and yank and contort my own being to fit their mold. And I was okay with that, because frankly I didn’t know what other existence there was other than to occupy my brain with facts I didn’t care about, problems that never needed solving, and words that only exist to bring me down.

Really, it was only to finally see the look of approval on their faces, for them to finally accept me as worthy and capable in their eyes.

But what happens when I start to see through the bullshit? What happens when I finally realize that nothing I ever do for them will really make them happy (since they haven’t found true happiness themselves), and that I don’t have to fucking live for them anymore?

Well, I wish I could say that life suddenly became all sunshine and rainbows, because instead what I got was a thought that struck fear in me all the same:

“What do I, myself, want to do with this life then?”

Even still, I really don’t know the answer to this. It’s a scary question, but also an incredibly liberating one. After being in the dark to my own wants and needs for so long, I can’t help but flinch at the blinding light of my true desires and dreams within. I squint and cover my eyes to try and see what lies beyond the light, but it’s no use. All I can feel is the warmth that radiates through my skin and cells within. All I hear is a peaceful, patient silence.

I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and walk the first step.